9:40 am
The nerves are starting to kick in. Butterflies are slowing turning into bats. Asked Lyn if we could leave early as I can’t sit here and wait around, I’m getting too anxious. We’re gonna run a few errands before my appointment at 12:30. Asked Lyn to take notes today too because I know that everything he’ll be telling me or suggesting will become a blur.

12:15 pm
I’m sitting in the waiting room and I’m freaking out! I’m already holding back massive sobs, my legs are bouncing up and down.

3:15 pm
Didn’t take too long. I bawled walking through the area where there are a lot of chairs… dental chairs, then into Dr. Lee’s room. He was very empathetic, very nice. Lyn said he looked like a big ol Teddy bear with a beard and moustache. He talked to me a little and asked me what my concerns were, why I was so scared or what problems did I have in the past to lead me to this point. I just explained that I gag real easily, I’ve been reprimanded by 3 too many dentists and it put me off.

He said, you know I need to look in your mouth and I nodded. So he pointed to the “chair”. I sat in it and he laid me back. Told me to open wide but the minute the mirror came near my mouth I tensed up and got nervous. All the while tears just rolling down my face. He was extremely gentle but I just couldn’t take the feeling of his finger on the inside of my cheek towards my top teeth. I could feel a gag coming on and had to pull away quite a few times. He had a hard time just looking at my teeth and I felt horrible about it.

Anyway, he managed to look at what he could. And then broke the dreaded bad news to me. This is as much as I can remember all though it’s not in any particular order.

“Your gag reflex is so sensitive I highly doubt you’ll ever be able to wear dentures. I think you will need to have your teeth removed and you’ll have to just go without teeth. – Implants may not be an option because you need to have a mold done but that requires you gagging. – Implants also costs $6000 per implant. – You’re looking at ATLEAST 6 teeth, two of which would be your front teeth. – Sedatives probably won’t work with your anxiety so I recommend GA (general anaesthetic). We don’t do that here so I cannot help you and I will recommend you to someone who can. – You have severe periodontal disease which is too far advanced to be reversed. (I don’t know if this is true or not). – Go have a full mouth x-ray taken and return on Sept. 27 to meet with Dr. ???. Perhaps he may be able to save a couple of your teeth. – Best bet but highly expensive is to get front teeth implants and then partial dentures that clip on to the implants.”

So…. there it is. Exactly like I had envisioned. He handed me a bottle of mouthwash, showed me how to brush which he clearly stated would not help me in any way except to just stop any disease further. I think he also suspected that if I did get implants that I would neglect those as well. That’s so not true.

I feel sorta cheated. I feel like he didn’t give me many options. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t try a sedative with me. Perhaps because it’s not worth it? I just too late to save them so why bother attitude? I dunno. So for now. I’m rather depressed. I’m numb. I’m tired, I’m drained. I’m lost…..

I’ll completely go into seclusion if they get taken out. I won’t be able to go out in public. I’ll be more humiliated than I am now. How am I gonna do this? How? I just wanna go into hiding and never come out.