Do you feel the pull when you’re standing on the edge?

It seems I’ve overcome some obstacles with my other fears and actually know where they’ve stemmed from, however, this one still feels a bit tricky.

I do recall climbing trees and jumping from [low-level] balconies when I was younger. If I had to put an age, I would say about 9 years old? But I still can’t quite place why I am so fearful of heights.

I took gymnastics when I was about 11 years old and remember falling off the monkey bars at school and breaking my arm but I can’t really seem to come to a conclusion that that’s the reason.

I’ve had a numerous amount of experiences throughout my life that involved height related things. Each one of them I’ve accomplished but not without fits of terror, tears, and nausea.

Twin Towers – When I was 24, my first experience with heights was when we went to New York. We’re talking 1994 (ish). A bunch of us went there for the anniversary of Stonewall. On one of the days, we went to the Twin Towers but there was no way I could get inside the elevator that was on the outside of the building. I couldn’t do it. I stayed behind while the rest went up.

Mt. Washington Auto Road – New Hampshire. That was in a car but the incredibly steep road and cliff edges can send you over the edge. It’s super exciting but at the same time super scary when another car is coming in the opposite direction. Loaded below is a video of us taking this road trip with my family in 2016.

Sky Tower Auckland, NZ – 2009 we vacationed for two weeks in Auckland, NZ. Gorgeous place! I didn’t want to leave. One of the attractions is the Sky Tower (shown below) with which you can (if your brave enough) jump off of. Equipped in protective gear of course. Well, this building also had an outside elevator. What is with these outside ones? My wife really wanted to go to the top but I went into full blown panic mode. We sat at an outside cafe table and watched the jumpers jump but my insides were just flipping upside down. I was literally sobbing. But I knew I had to do it somehow, just not in that elevator.

We went into the building and asked the person taking people up if there was any other way to get to the top and sure enough, there was! There was the freight elevator that was completely enclosed so we took that up. When the doors opened, however, it opened to the whole glassed in area and walking platform and it took a lot for me to exit the elevator doors. I pinned myself up against the back wall and notice another woman standing a couple feet away – also pinned to the back wall. We both looked at each other with a nervous chuckle and said, yep, this is good enough for us.

Eventually, I did creep my way to the glass window and raised my camera to get some shots. It seems occupying my mind with photography took a bit of that fear away.

I’m glad I did that one.

New York City’s Statue of Liberty – 2016 same holiday trip as Mt. Washington. This one was planned. My wife pre-purchased deluxe tickets for us to go into the Crown of Miss Liberty. I had no choice but to do this. When we approached the stairs, the stairway got extremely narrow. I’m a bit claustrophobic so heights on top of being in a closed in space was two-fold. As we started the incline, they were metal stairs tightly wrapped around the center. (photo below) Two people can barely stand side by side on the steps. I made the mistake of looking up and panicked! I sat down on the stair and just started freaking out.

If you’ve never been, people have to go in increments, so the guy at the top radio’s down to advise the people have arrived at the top then they send another group up so that there isn’t a whole bunch of people going up and down. We were basically alone.

So I sat on that step. Crying. And all I could say was “I don’t think I can do this.” My wife just stood there. She didn’t say anything at all but just let me deal with it. She knew not to encourage or say anything as it would only fuel my anxiety so she just let me be.

What ended up happening was me climbing the stairs on my hands and knees with my eyes purely focused on each step. All I kept repeating is… “you’ll never get to do this EVER again! Do it NOW while you’re here!” My breathing slowed down, my cheeks were drying and as we started to approach the top I got off my knees and did the remaining few spirals on foot.

It was the biggest accomplishment I had ever overcome.

Call me strong. Call me brave. Call me what you want but I have NO idea how I did it. I just did it. Because I knew that a once in a lifetime experience like this would be regretted for the rest of my life. I’m SO glad I did it!

Is my fear of heights cured? Hell no! But I just have to realise that if it’s one of those moments in life I’ll never get back, then I must press on! I’m not going to die from a phobia UNLESS…..

Enjoy the pictures (taken by myself) and the videos.