“The ones who don’t fear flying are the ones born with wings”

In order to understand the whole fear of flying concept with me goes back to when I was at that young and impressionable stage. The ripe young age of 10-11-12. Things just tend to stick with you at that age.

The movie “Airport ’77’ had come out. I don’t know where or how I was able to watch it. I think I saw this at the theatre with my mother and her friend. I can’t quite recall but boy did it scar me. I don’t know if it was so much as the plane hitting another plane but the [back then] gruesome scenes of the bloody pilot and the introduction of death that did it for me.

Then came “Airport ’78”.

I do remember in 11th grade, obviously some many years later, my Spanish class was going to go to Spain for the summer. It was an awesome opportunity and not once in that moment did I think about those two movies. But since it was a hefty price tag for my mother, I couldn’t go. So there went my chance at experiencing a flight.

As the years rolled on, my anxiety started to pick up pace. The need to be in control started to take over. I had a really hard time letting other people drive. I got severe panic attacks. Feelings of if something happens to me, no one’s going to know about it and I’ll die right here and no one will ever know. Those were my thoughts. Mind you, I was in my 20’s and 30’s when all of this spawned. I hated it and I was embarrassed by it.

Then 911 happened. It was in that moment I vowed I would NEVER get on a plane. I would never travel. I would live as a recluse, never travel and if I did travel it would be in my own country and those countries that were attached; Canada and Mexico.

I tried some different things to let others drive but I would “panic” and tell them to pull over. Just this overwhelming feeling of needing to flee, I needed to get out of the car or I need to drive. It’s like having a calm mind didn’t exist in me. I had to have focus. And I always had to have the front seat. I couldn’t take buses or taxi’s… I had to be in control or where I could see the road to at least feel like I was driving.

After 911 happened my mother decided she was going to work for the NSA: National Security Administration. She was offered to travel to different airports and work each of these airports for a few months at a time. Considering it her duty to keep travellers safe. I was proud of her efforts. I, on the other hand, needed a change of scenery and thought if she’s gonna go bouncing around the country, I wanna bounce myself to Arizona. It was just something about that State. The name? The fact that the Grand Canyon was there. The desert. I don’t know. Living in New England all my life and never really going outside the East Coast states, this would be a challenge for me. A climate change as well. No more cold snowy winters.

I landed a job in Arizona and said I would be driving myself there and to please allow me a week to get there. We’re talking the days of Map Quest and no cell phones really existed except for the Car phones.

Off I went, packed up myself and my personal belonging, towing a small pickup truck type trailer to the back of my car. Dog in the backseat and off I went. It took me about 4 days to drive to Arizona. It was the best experience of my life.

Around about 6 months of living in Arizona, I was getting into some shows. I had no friends and struggled to make any and I think it was due to my oral hygiene (also a Phobia – head over there if you want another read) Anyway, one of them was Xena: Warrior Princess. I recalled watching a few episodes earlier on in the late 90’s but never fully watched the series. Netflix was just coming out with DVD Rentals so I did the first season. Got heavily into the show, jumped on some Xena forums and then out of the blue, we met! She lived in Australia. OooOOooOO…. ok. this is gonna be tough. Well maybe consider this just a fling, an online affair type scenario but it was becoming a lot more than that.

Kicker was she had kids, her youngest at the time was 10, oldest was 14. There was no way she would leave them to come here to the states. She had come out to visit me for 3 weeks and it pretty much cemented our relationship and feelings. I thought, the only thing really for me to do is move there. But this meant….

I __ H A D __ T O __ F L Y!

Ok, wait, so something in me suddenly changed. I knew I was absolutely PETRIFIED to fly. I mean I couldn’t be more clear about it. The whole Height factor (another phobia of mine), the non control of the plane, the “pull over now” is not doable up in the sky. I was literally freaking out!

But I had to do something. As the months were rolling on it was becoming more clearer that I really had nothing holding me back except my mom. But she was happy in her job (I think), she had met someone. She was living her life.

I started to prep. I joined a Fear of Flying forum. Watched videos of planes taking off and landing, reading and watching everything I could about planes. Went through all types of scenarios in my head. What about turbulence, motion sickness, anxiety, panic attacks? How do I handle them? What happens if I have one, what do I do? Every time I got close enough to convincing myself, I would then feel a stricken fear. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. After about a year of self help therapy and talking on forums, I decided yes, I’m gonna do this.

I got my passport. That was the first step. My partner (now wife) came back to “get me”. So she spent 3 months with me as I prepared for this big move to Australia. We decided that I needed to get a taste of flying. Since I lived close enough to Vegas, we would take a short flight from Vegas to LA. A total boarding/flying/disembarking was 45 mins. Flight time 20 mins. I said ok, let’s do it! Then if I didn’t like it, I would stay in LA and watch her fly back home to Australia. Not an ideal thing to do but we’re talking a very HUGE plane in comparison, and a rather long flight of about 12-13 hours.

So to put in perspective… this was the plan. Vegas to LA – LA to Brisbane – then drive from Brisbane to Cairns but we didn’t plan on the cost of the vehicle so we had to fly from Brisbane to Cairns. We’re talking 3 flights for my very first time flying. WHAT was I thinking!!

Ideally for me to get the proper partner visa, I had to have lived with her for 12 months. 3 months she lived with me in Arizona and I flew back to Australia and lived with her for the remaining 9 months but every 3 months I had to leave the country to reset my tourist visa. Which meant… more flying.

I better like this! I better not freak out!

The Fear of Flying forum was super helpful. They provided a letter for me to hand to the boarding people to advise them that I was flying for the first time. It was pretty cool.

When the day came. I was geared up and ready to go. After reading and jotting down everything I needed to do for this flight, I felt ready. I can do this!

I had my tic-tacs, dramamine, ipod for music, headphones, I looked like a seasoned traveller. I felt ready but my stomach was in knots.

We get to the first airport and for my entire life I had always been the one dropping someone off or picking them up. I had never been the flyer. This was feeling a bit more exciting then I had thought. I’m about to become a part of what I was always envious of. I was going to be a passenger! This was cool! But then the fear would kick in. My partner saw it in my face and she knew how to divert my attention.

We got to the boarding area and I handed the ticket collector my note and she was tickled that it was my first flight. I should throw in that I am 41 years old. Anyway, she takes the letter and she said, “Ok, come with me”, and we head down that long boarding corridor and I’m shitting my pants saying oh my god what am I doing! I could hear the plane’s engine. I stepped onto the ramp that leads into the plane and the lady hands the pilot my letter and introduces me to the pilot saying it was my very first time flying and I’m quite anxious. My partner got a photo.

After the meet with the pilot, I found my teeny tiny seat next to the window so I could “see” out. Isle seat was not going to happen. I nestled down, turned on the vent and directed at my cheeks to feel the cool air, listened to all the bustling and sounds happening around me. It was time.

Deep breaths! I got this.

When the plane was backing out it felt a bit dizzying at first but I quickly regained control. I’m ok! I’m ok.. just watch the pavement. I was also sitting on the wing which helped because of everything I learned about planes, I could watch the flaps.

It’s only 20 mins. You got this!

The plane was next in line. We had to wait for a big plane to take off first. But my thoughts retracted to the back draft of big planes and if the smaller plane takes off too quickly it can get caught in the tail wind. I shrugged it and thought, it won’t happen, this is ok, they know what they’re doing. The pilot knows there is a brand new nervous flyer on board. I went with that.

I kept saying to my partner… “tell me when”… which referred to the lifting of the plane and the belly drop feeling like being on a rollercoaster. I did NOT want to feel that. I hate rollercoasters. (add that to the many other reasons I didn’t wanna fly). She said, “I’ll tell you, don’t worry”. And she did… as the plane was picking up speed I felt myself getting pushed back into the seat and to be honest. I LOVED that feeling. It felt like I was being hugged from behind. The seat just pressing against me with weight. It feels… I don’t know… comforting. And then the words came…. “tighten now”… I clenched my stomach muscles as the plane lifted. I got a slight dizzy sensation as I watched the land below me get further and further away and then it was as if I was sitting in my living room. I couldn’t feel the movement. I was so so so proud of myself and so engaged and enlightened and excited and elated that I felt tears welling in my eyes. I did it! I was flying!!

If I can do this smaller plane, then I can certainly do the bigger one. Easy. I got this!

Cut to 17 years later…… I’ve taken more flights then I ever thought imaginable.

Vegas to LA – LA to Brisbane – Brisbane to Cairns

Cairns to Brisbane – Brisbane to New Zealand (roundtrip)

Cairns to Brisbane – Brisbane to Fiji (roundtrip)

Cairns to Sydney – Sydney to New Zealand (roundtrip)

Cairns to Sydney a few times (roundtrips)

Australia to United States Twice (2016 and 2018)

Yep! I am a well travelled flyer now!

Do I still freak out? Meh, yes. I still panic over the whole turbulence thing. Definitely afraid of it but have yet to experience it. I’ve been pretty lucky so far. (looks for wood to knock on). But for the most part, I’m ok.

Enjoy my “First time flying” photos.